A Bad Beginning

A sorrowful tale of tragedy and woe, that goes from bad to worse, and then some…
Dear Customer,
I am sorry to tell you that this audio cassette is extremely unpleasant. It tells an unhappy tale about three unlucky children. Even though they are charming and clever, the Baudelaire siblings lead lives filled with misery and woe. One might say that they are magnets for misfortune.

On this audio recording alone, the three youngsters encounter a greedy and repulsive villain, itchy clothing, a disastrous fire, a plot to steal their fortune and cold porridge for breakfast.
It is my sad duty to record these unpleasant tales, but there is nothing stopping you from ignoring this tape completely and choosing something happy instead, if you prefer that sort of thing.
With all due respect, Lemony Snicket